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Scene 7: Big Lizards Must Go

[Scene opens up to the same setup as for Scene 1.]

MATTHEW ...just great. I just want you guys to know that you've done a wonderful job. I think we can all be proud. God gave us six days. We finished in 5. The only thing left to do is submit Fifi's drawings for approval. But, if I know God, we should have no problem.

NEIL Yep. Everything we've set up should be good for at least an eon or so.

AL And those atoms. They can come with a universal lifetime guarantee.

LOU [Poking fun at Al] Decay?

NEIL Good one.

AL Shhhhhh!!

MATTHEW Anyway. That shouldn't be much of a problem. I'm sure that such a minor thing is only to be expected when we're working in such a small time frame.

NEIL Still, it was an awful lot of work.

MATTHEW Yes.... I'll try to see if I can get us some vacation. Two days or so. Tell you what? When this is all over, [Fifi enters] I'm taking all of you to Euro-Disney.

FIFI No. It does not fadge. But, these do. [showing them her drawings]

AL Ohh, great.

NEIL Nifty.

LOU [sardonically] Whoopie.

MATTHEW Now Lou... Madame has done a wonderful job. I think it's time to party.

[Mathew leaves]

AL Yeah. Party!


AL What?

NEIL Party.


LOU Anyone want some Kool-Aid?


LOU Ohh, darn! I forgot to bring it.

[Fade to Black. Lights up on other part of the stage with God. Matthew enters.]


GOD Yes, Matthew.

MATTHEW Well, I think you'll be pleased to know that we have finished way ahead of schedule.

GOD Good work, Matthew.

MATTHEW Yes. In fact... the staff and I were kinda wondering whether we could get the next two days as vacation. You know.... we have done a lot of work.

GOD Hmm. Two days of vacation. Hmm. That may be excessive, but it is good. I will consider it. But first, show me what you have.

MATTHEW O.K.... Here they are: [with a flourish] the chicken... and the egg. Isn't it great?

GOD Matthew.


GOD Matthew. Come here. Listen to me very, very carefully.

MATTHEW Yes... God?

GOD This... absolutely... does not... fadge.

MATTHEW [turns the painting around and looks] Oh. Ah. Ah hah. Ah, yes. I see what you mean. Doesn't fadge. Got it. We'll take care of this. Yes. Absolutely. Right away. [He turns and runs off, exit]

[Fade to black. Lights come back up on main stage]

AL So, you see, I was thinking, what if you put a mathematical rhythmic patterns on words and phrases? Listen to this one: Da da-da-da da-da-A, da da-da-da da-da-da A...

LOU Frankly Al, that's really quite boring.

AL What?


FIFI I don't know... I think it has potential.

[enter Matthew]

MATTHEW Guys. We have a problem. [turns the drawing around to reveal a dinosaur] The big lizards must go.

FIFI What? He did not like them!?

NEIL But I already created the whole DNA thing with Lou!

[various shouting and nastiness by all]

MATTHEW Whoa. Wait. People!! Work with me, here. We're gonna have to lose the lizards and re-create the chicken. And even with the extra day God gave us, we only have two days left.


MATTHEW Yes. And by the way, he also wants an instruction manual.

NEIL Ha. Told you he'd want that.

AL Shut up.

MATTHEW Control yourselves. We don't have time to argue. We have several million giant lizards to get rid of. I need suggestions.

LOU Well. I have been working on a little something that might do the trick, just for fun, you know. I call it... the plague!!

FIFI Ooooh, yes... a black plague... or no no no, wait. I could dress them all in orange and purple plaid leisure suits. They would absolutely die of embarrassment.

MATTHEW Guys, any more rational ideas? ...Please??

AL A ka-boom! We could have an earth-shattering ka-boom!!

NEIL Hey, yeah. And dust would scatter all over the place and block out the sunlight.

LOU Ooooh, yeah, we'll freeze them.

MATTHEW Yes. Good work. Make it so. Al, Neil, get going with the ka-boom... I don't care how you get one, just give me a bang. Send the leftovers to Lou in bio. Fifi -- work with Lou and recreate the chicken. No lizards!

FIFI [vengeful] Yes... and this time, it will not be green.