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Scene 8: Hysteria

[Scene opens up to blank stage. Characters randomly walk about in scene.]

[Fifi enters]

FIFI Ugh. Green. I hated green. I knew God wouldn't like it. It's not my fault. I can't believe the Biology department told me that the chicken has to be green. There must be different colors, but none of them should be green.

[Lou enters]

LOU This is pretty cool as far as I'm concerned. Chaos. I like it. Why should I listen to God?

[Al enters]

AL A big ka-boom. How? With what? I don't know. [Hits himself] That's it. I'll crash the moon into the earth!

[Neil enters]

NEIL O.K. Kaboom. I understand, but I don't think that the sound alone will kill anyone!

AL No! The Moon is too big, too close. It would crush everything. What do I do now? Whoa. A comet. [grabs comet]

[Matthew enters]

MATTHEW 2 Days. 2 Days. All I have is two days. I can feel them start to separate. Like a quilt pulled apart at the seams.

LOU I'm out. I'm not standing for this. As far as I'm concerned, God can do his own work.

FIFI Oh. Blue Chicken!


AL Ka-boom! Yee-haw!!

NEIL Look at all that smoke. Ohh, wow. You can't see anything.

MATTHEW Hey. Who's been smoking again?

FIFI Red Chicken!


LOU I can form my own corporation. Sort of a competition thing. I think God's gotten just a little too smug with being the only employer around, here.

FIFI Mauve Chicken!


MATTHEW An instruction manual. God wants an instruction manual. How is that gonna work. We don't have time to write up anything.

[God enters]

GOD My, my. A Green Chicken. What were you thinking?

FIFI Green Chicken? What is it with Lou?

AL All the green things are dying.

NEIL Green is just for plants.

LOU I liked green.

GOD [to Lou] Damn you, Lou, that's it, I've had it. I'm transferring you. Go... to Heck.

LOU [Lou exits] Heck!? Fine! Send me to Heck. You may be the Boss around here, but I'll have you know I'm changing the name as soon as I unpack.

FIFI Kool-Aid Chicken!


NEIL O.K. with me. Now.... What do we have left here in Biology? Uhm...

AL What's with these monkeys?

NEIL Snuffalupagus?

AL No, Dodo!

FIFI White Chicken!


MATTHEW I'll make up stuff.

GOD [To Matthew] It better be to my liking.

MATTHEW Well, I'll give it my best shot, but God, I'm not sure I even remember everything that's been happening. I'll try to write it down, but I'll have to go back to in the beginning.

FIFI Dark Chicken!?


NEIL What do I do with these warm-blooded things?

AL I don't know! Ask Lou! And while you're at it, ask him why some of the apes are naked now and running around with opposable... [looks down at his own thumbs] What the... Lou, come back here!

GOD [To Al] No!

AL Sorry!

FIFI Feathered Chicken!

[Everyone looks at Fifi as if to say no. Instead, general agreement sounds]

MATTHEW On day one, Al created Heaven...

[God clears throat]

MATTHEW ...God created Heaven and Earth...

FIFI The Chickens do not fly very well... in fact they mostly just glide!

AL & NEIL Who cares?

MATTHEW ...and then God said "Let there be light!"

GOD That I like.

MATTHEW And it was good.

AL & NEIL Who cares?

MATTHEW Al, would you please go find a way that Chickens can fly instead of glide?

AL Actual self-propelled active flight with a weight to thrust ratio sufficient to maintain speed and altitude? Impossible. Can't be done.

GOD Excuse me?

AL That is, I, uh, what I meant to say is I'll get right on it.

[Al and Neil leave]

FIFI [as if watching the world progress] Domesticated chicken?

MATTHEW There is light!

GOD Darkness, then dawn.

MATTHEW I'll name the darkness night!

FIFI [disgust as she exits]Ugh! Night. Why not Dusk?

MATTHEW And, God saw what he had done...


GOD And it was good.